


Nobody's Business But Ours

by iihappydaysii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan POV, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Sexuality, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:36:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14304915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Dan is starting to feel uncomfortable with the way he and Phil portray their relationship to the world. He's ready for a change. Phil isn't so sure.





	Nobody's Business But Ours

“It’s nobody’s business,” Dan said, eyeing the clock on the wall. 

Dan liked his therapist. Rich himself was pretty cool, but Dan hated that man’s clock. That stupid clock looked just like the kind in classrooms. White, black, cheap and sterile. The rest of the office was rich-toned and cozier, which only made that ugly, awful clock stand out more. Dan  _ hated  _ it. He really fucking--

“Dan, did you hear a word I just said?” Rich’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“Not if you said anything before ‘Dan, did you hear a word I just said?” Dan tucked one of his legs under the other. “Have I ever told you how much I hate your clock?”

Rich gave him that look. He’d come to know that look over the years. “It’s your dime, brother. I get paid either way.”

Rich was an American expat with an accent to match. His wife was from Yorkshire. They’d met during university when Rich was studying abroad. They ended up getting married and he’d just never gone back to the states.

Dan said, “Sorry… you know I hate having this conversation.”

“I do, and I also know you’re always the one to bring it up.” 

Dan sighed. “It fits into the broader theme, Rich.”

“It does.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Rich leaned back in his chair. “So what are you going to do about it?”

“Pay you 250 pounds an hour to listen to me complain about something I have absolutely no intention on ever truly confronting.” He put on a fake smile.

“Dan.”

“Come on, mate.” Dan groaned. “You’re married.”

“I am.”

“Well, there you go.”

“Help me out here a bit, Dan.”

God, Dan hated talking about it. It was like a scab that was much better off left alone. “I know that.”

“Know what?”

“That you’re married.” 

Dan really needed Rich to get it. If Rich could just get it, he wouldn’t have to say it. Dan didn’t really expect him to though. Rich never got things. It drove Dan mad, but was probably the reason he was such a good therapist.

“I am.”

“Rich, I swear to God.” Dan planted his feet firmly on the floor, then leaned forward rubbing his hands over his face. “I know that you’re married. That’s just something I know about you. I know you have a wife. Probably most of your clients know you have a wife—the store clerk probably knows you have a wife and if someone stopped you on the street, and asked you if you had a wife, you’d tell them that you did, right?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not a secret. It’s not this big thing about you. It’s just information.”

“Yes,” Rich said “I’m not famous.”

Dan slumped back on the couch. “You know how I feel about the F-word.” Famous, Dan meant, fuck was just fine. Fuck was a godsend. 

“It’s different for you, isn’t it? Do you think maybe you shouldn’t hold yourself to the standards of people whose lives are completely different from yours?”

“That’s not… I mean… I mean Chris Hemsworth is married and I know that. And he’s way more ‘famous’ than me.”

“I still think that’s a false comparison, Dan. Chris Hemsworth isn’t—”

“Gay?” Dan didn’t exactly identify as gay, but it worked as an umbrella term and for this—to make a point. “You and Phil would be good friends, you know that?”

“Dan… you know I don’t have an opinion on what you decide to do here. This is your choice, but this a big decision, for both you and for Phil, even if it shouldn’t have to be. We talk about a lot of things in here, but it does tend to circle back to this often. To you maybe not feeling comfortable with hiding your relationship with Phil anymore.”

Dan shut his eyes. He could hear Phil’s voice in head.  _ It’s nobody’s business but ours.  _ Why did that excuse make him feel the way it did now? He was trying to be authentic, transparent, because it eased the tightness of anxiety in chest, but how could he really? How could he ever truly— “He keeps trying to set a date,” Dan blurted.

Rich tilted his head. “A date?”

“For us to get married.”

“You’ve been engaged a while, haven’t you? Two years?”

“Three.”

“And you don’t want to get married?”

“God, Rich. Of course I do. I’d marry him today.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Dan had a feeling Rich knew the problem, but he wanted Dan to say it out loud, to make it real, rather than just a thing in his head. Rich always wanted Dan to make it real. “I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m married. I’m not going to slip my wedding ring off when I go out in public or make a video. I’m not going to pretend we sleep in separate bedrooms when he’s my  _ husband _ .”

“Have you said this to Phil?”

Dan let out a breath. “He knows.”

“Have you said this to Phil?” Rich repeated.

“Not exactly.

“Well, why not?”

“What if we’re at an… impasse. What if we don’t ever see eye to eye on this? What if he’ll never want ‘the public’ to know we’re together and what if I won’t marry him unless they do?”

“You don’t know that’s what will happen, do you?”

“Of course, not, but it could.”

“Do you think…” Rich hesitated, “With the point you are in your therapy, with trying to be more authentic and ‘live your truth’, as you put it, that this could… are you afraid to tell him because you think that this might be a deal breaker for you?”

Dan’s mind physically, violently, rejected that idea. A deal breaker? For him and Phil? That was bullshit, but his body wasn’t keeping up with what his mind was saying so he wasn’t immediately shutting Rich down. What _ would  _ he do? If Phil wanted Dan to hide their relationship forever? If Dan could vaguely talk about sex and his sexuality but never fully because, for him, to talk about it fully would be to talk about Phil?

It shouldn’t matter, right? It shouldn’t matter the fuck at all. But it did. He didn’t know if he could ever say this aloud, could ever say it without glossing over it, but it was crushing, and sometimes he felt like one of those bonsai trees that Phil had kept and killed with his lack of a green thumb. Like he was trying to grow to full size, but his branches were being constantly cut back, kept small—manageable by the choices he kept making out of habit.

Dan didn’t want a manageable life anymore. He wanted a free one.

“Dan?” Rich’s voice cut through this thoughts.

Dan’s chest was tight. He felt like crying. “It… it might be.”

 

Dan was feeling pretty numb by the time he got home. He took off his shoes by the door and hung up his coat. He kind of wanted to go slip his VR headset on and just wander around in the world of Skyrim for a while. Dragons were much easier to make sense of.

“Hey, babe,” Phil said, looking up from the kitchen table where he was sat with his laptop. “I didn’t hear you come in. How was therapy?”

“Fine, I guess.”

Phil gave him a strange look, his forehead crinkled under his new quiff. “I ordered us burgers. They should be here any minute now. And guess what else I got us?”

“What?”

“Milkshakes.” Phil grinned. It was a good, beautiful grin. A grin completely unaware of the awful thoughts in Dan’s mind right now. Dan was the worst person in the world.

Phil was right. The burgers and the milkshakes showed up soon after, just as Dan had changed out of his jeans and jumper into a hoodie and his Game of Thrones joggers. They sat on the couch watching Netflix and eating their burgers and chips.

“Watch another one?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. “Can we play? I need something more… something to occupy my mind.”

Phil gave him another strange look—a forehead crinkle look. “Okay, baby. Sure. What do you want to play?”

He wanted to play Skyrim. He wanted the dragons and the escapism, but clearly Phil wanted to spend time with him tonight and Skyrim was a single player game. “Mario Kart?”

“I’ll put it in,” Phil said, standing from the sofa. He leaned down and kissed Dan.

They played Mario Kart for awhile and that was pretty effective at keeping out Dan’s tense thoughts until it wasn’t. Until he was thinking this is good enough, isn’t it? Good, if it never changes. Good, if they never get married. Or if they do, and it always just has to stay like this. A quiet truth behind closed doors. It was good enough, so why did Dan feel sick to his stomach?

That night, they had sex. That wasn’t unusual. They had sex most nights, and if not, they’d have sex in the morning. But Dan had almost said he wasn’t in the mood when Phil had thrown his leg over Dan on the bed and sat in his lap. But he looked beautiful like that—bare chest and broad shoulders—quiff and glasses that were slipping down his nose. Dan was glad he’d gone with it, glad he’d held Phil’s hips and pulled him in because the feeling of Phil tight around him had been enough for Dan to forget the bad thoughts in his head, the bad feelings in his body.

The next morning, it wasn’t so easy to hide anymore. Dan had expected, or more like hoped, to wake up and be free from the nagging fear and doubt that had finally come to a head after his therapy appointment yesterday. It hurt—too much—like an ache he’d been able to ignore for a while, but was now too swollen, too painful to pretend it didn’t exist. His stomach was in knots and his head hurt like he had a hangover. Phil was definitely going to notice. 

He’d have to try to get him not to notice.

It lasted about as long as breakfast did.

“Okay, Dan. What’s wrong?”

“What?” Dan tried to sound surprised. “Nothing, dear. Are you done with your coffee? I’ll take your mug to the sink.”

“Dan. I’m not stupid.”

“Didn’t say you were,” Dan muttered.

“Nope. Clearly you’re not upset at all. What was I thinking?”

Dan gave Phil a look.

“Can you just talk to me about what it is? Did I do something?”

“You didn’t… you don’t want to know.”

Phil mouth dropped open a little. “I definitely need to know now. You know my brain, Dan. If you don’t tell me I’ll be thinking of all sorts of things, like you’re breaking up with me or something.” Phil laughed.

Dan didn’t.

“Look, Phil…”

Phil stood up from the kitchen table. “Say whatever you’re going to say fast, Dan. I’m about to have a heart attack.”

Dan forced the words out, “I want to tell people we’re together.”

“We’ve told lots of people we’re together.”

_ Lots.  _ Dan guessed ‘lots’ was relative. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”

“Yes.” Dan let out a breath. “I want people to know. What do you think?”

Phil stood there for a while—a long fucking while—before saying, “No.”

Dan blinked, in shock, though he wasn’t even sure why. This had been the most likely outcome, hadn’t it been? “What?”

“No. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should do that,” Phil said. “We should probably head downstairs and film a few gaming videos though.”

“What? No. Wait. Phil, we have to talk about this.”

Phil looked confused. “We just talked about it.”

“No, we didn’t. I said I wanted to do something and you just flat-out said ‘no’ end of discussion.”

Phil sighed. “You know how I feel about this.”

“What I don’t know is why?”

“Because it’s… it’s—”

“It’s what, Phil?” Dan felt his cheeks getting hot. He knew he’d had those rosy patches, and he kind of wanted to scrape them right off his skin. 

“It’s silly, Dan,” Phil said. “It’s drama for the sake of drama.”

Dan’s throat was growing tight, his chest too. “You think this about drama? I’m trying to be honest, Phil.”

“With who?”

“Everyone.”

Phil shook his head. “What’s wrong with a little privacy, Dan?”

“If I was a woman… or you were…”

“But you’re not and I’m not and… there’s no point.”

Dan walked closer to Phil. He wanted him to listen, to look at him. “There’s a point to me, Phil. I don’t want to hide who I am.”

“I don’t mind you talking about sexuality.”

“I could do that whether you minded or not. It’s my fucking sexuality!” Dan snapped.

“Don’t raise your voice at me.”

“I just don’t understand it, Phil. Would it really be so awful for people to know you’re with me?”

“It’s not about that and you know it. I can’t be an…an advocate. I hate conflict and my entire existence would suddenly just be conflict. I’d be expected to—”

“To what? Get political?”

“I don’t want my life, and our relationship to be politicized. If people knew—”

“A lot of people already know!”

“The people who don’t mind, Dan. The people who support it. Not the people who’d make it into this big thing. Into part of our identity. The people who matter already know. The rest is just… it’s just…”

“Tell me what it just is.”

“Dan.”

“No, Phil. Tell me what you think it is.”

Phil looked down at the floor, his voice was nearly a whisper.  “I think it’s just for attention.” 

“Oh, okay. Okay.”

“ _ Dan.” _

Dan just put his hand up. He was about to cry. Another word from Phil and he’d be a damn mess. “I’m gonna go out for awhile.”

“Please… please stay,” Phil said. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”

Dan didn’t stay. He couldn’t. 

Dan went for a walk to get coffee. He ordered a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, and then after he took a sip, he was basically too sad to drink it so he just walked around holding the cup and hoping nobody recognized him, and if they did, they’d just leave him alone. 

Eventually, he sat down at a bench and pulled out his phone. He wanted to talk to someone but he didn’t know who. He could call his grandma, but he didn’t like bringing his family into his relationship issues. It got complicated and awkward. Same with Bryony and Wirrow. Sometimes it sucked that the majority of their friends were  _ their  _ friends. Their couple friends and it was hard to find someone to talk to, and especially about this. Who the hell could he talk to, that could understand any of this?

As he scrolled through his contacts, his scroll stopped on a name.

_ Tyler Oakley. _

They were closer to work colleagues than friends, but they were sort-of friends and God, Dan needed more gay friends. 

He shot him a text.

Dan: Sorry. This is like super, super weird, and like I know we haven’t talked in a while, but do you have a minute?

As Dan waited for a response he wasn’t even sure would come, he decided to actually sip some of the drink, which was now cold, which made it different enough to not upset him. 

Finally, his phone buzzed.

Tyler: yeah, what’s up?

Dan: so, like don’t say anything, but you know me and Phil are together, right?

Tyler: do you want me to honestly answer that?

Dan: yeah.

Tyler: well, yeah, I guess I didn’t know for sure, but I figured you were. 

Dan: don’t say anything.

Tyler: of course not. what’s wrong? trouble in paradise? lol

Dan: kind of.

Tyler: fuck. really? i’m sorry.

Dan: i want us to come out, for lack of a better term, and he doesn’t want us to.

Tyler: god, that sucks.

Dan let out breath. That was actually what he needed or at least part of what he needed. Someone to get it, someone to just say it sucks. 

Dan: what do I do lol

Tyler: sis, I don’t know.

Dan: i’m not sure I can keep living like this. could you? could you hide a boyfriend for this long? or like hide that you’re gay?

Tyler: most people would tell me that no i couldn’t hide that i was gay.

Tyler: but seriously no, i probably couldn’t 

Dan: so hypothetically what would you do?

Tyler: hypothetically, if we couldn’t come to an agreement, I think we’d have to break up. hypothetically.

_ Deal breaker. Break up. Break. Break. Break.  _

Dan wasn’t breaking up with Phil. That was fucking stupid. 

Dan: i’m not breaking up with phil.

Tyler: i’m not telling you to. that was an unrelated hypothetical. i don’t have any big advice dan. you have more experience with long term relationships than me. but just make sure you’re true to yourself, okay? if you’re not, you’ll just keep feeling that feeling you’re feeling.

Dan: how do you know I’m feeling a feeling?

Tyler: aren’t you?

He was. 

Dan: can live with the feeling. can’t live without Phil.

Tyler: can’t?

Dan: Won’t.

Tyler: okay, dan. I know we’ve never been that close, but i’m here if you need me. it’s tough out there. :))

_ Tough _ , Dan thought,  _ was a fucking understatement. _

Dan: thanks, tyler. 

Tyler: no problem. good luck.

Dan stood up from the bench and threw the rest of his cold macchiato in the bin before heading home. 

When he walked through the door, he called out, “Phil, Phil, honey. I’m home.” No answer. “Babe, can we talk? Where are you?”

Phil was nowhere to be found, but his laptop was. It was sat right out on the kitchen table, near the empty coffee mug Dan had planned to take to the sink earlier that morning. Dan wasn’t entirely sure what possessed him to do it, but he touched the laptop’s touch pad, and it opened up the last page Phil had been working on. It was a draft for an AmazingPhil instagram post. The picture was one they’d taken last year in Greece. Phil was kissing Dan on the cheek, and Dan looked so happy because he  _ was  _ happy.

Underneath the picture was this caption: 

_ So we’ve never really talked about this, but we feel like it’s finally time. As we’re making some pretty big changes, we wanted to be open about a part of our lives that we’ve kept private over the years. We’re together (yes, like that) and we have been for the last eight years. We look forward to this next chapter of our lives and getting to share some of it with the people who’ve been so supportive and generous to us over the years.  _

 

_ thanks, _

_ dan and phil _

 

Dan felt the tear on his cheek before he knew he was crying.

“You’re back.” It was Phil.

Dan sniffed and looked up at him. Phil’s eyes were swollen and red-rimmed. It was clear he’d been crying.

“Phil, I can’t have you do this just because—”

“Why do you want to tell people about us, Dan?”

Dan drew in a steadying breath. “Because… because it hurts to hide, Phil. I’m sorry, but it does. I hid how I felt about boys for years out of shame. So… so as long as we’re not open, I think, I’m always going to feel a part of that shame. They’re just too connected for me--the hiding and the shame. I wish they weren’t. I wish I could see it and feel it the same way you do. I really do, but I can’t.”

Phil walked over to his laptop and before Dan could do anything to stop him Phil pressed the button to post.

“Phil!” Dan’s voice cracked. “What did you just— _ holy shit!  _ Why did you do that?”

“You needed me to,” Phil said calmly.

“But, fuck, fuck Phil. God, I didn’t want you to do just do that for  _ me.  _ I wanted you to want to do it. Now, I feel like an asshole.”

“I was never going to want to do it, Dan. I avoid conflict, especially what I see as unnecessary conflict, but I can see now, that it isn’t unnecessary to you. I don’t have to understand it to understand _that._ ” Phil put a hand on Dan’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’m not just going to stand here and do nothing. I’m going to take care of you. So, you know, get over it, mate."

“I love you.” Dan smiled. “You’re out of your damn mind. But I love you.”

  
  



End file.
